Perceptual Map

       My old life was defined by the word credo: “I believe.” Beliefs came from God and were infallible. If perception contradicted belief, I corrected my eyes. I walked by faith, not by sight. 

      My new life is capture by the word percipio: “I perceive.” If perception contradicts belief, I alter my belief. I walk by sight, not by faith. 

      Before Julie and I hit the road, I sold my theology books and stepped out of others’ thinking to listen to my own. I played a game called I Spy with My Little I. The goal was to describe what I saw as subjectively as possible. I made no claim to be objective or see the Whole, let alone understand it. I was describing the world as one human sees it. I was an accountant, not a mystic. 

What struck me first was desire. I felt this in the crib, yearning for food, warmth, security. Desire animates everything. It pulls the earth to the sun. It makes mosquitos long for blood. It draws male to female. It bends each blade of grass to the light. It drives invention. It moves Wall Street.

  Somewhere between the ages of two and five, I became aware of myself. This happened slowly, more like a sunrise than a lightning bolt. I called this mysterious self-awareness consciousness. I was a self with desire.

But I didn’t sit still. I found myself moving through time and space. Motion created before-and-after. Before-and-after produced time and caused me to view my life as story.

Faith was the story I told about my existence. This determined what I hoped for and what I loved—key elements of my story. 

      The Specters ruined my story. 

      Ignarus showed me that my story is not the whole story and exposed all stories to be human inventions. When I lost my foundational story, life lost its meaning and I fell into nihilism.

      Vanitas devoured my hope. Happiness was a carrot on a stick and death was right around the corner. This threw me into despair. 

      Rapax revealed love to be a mask of virtue worn by desire. The only one looking out for me was me. I was alone in the world, alienated from all others.

      I tried to beat back the Specters and uphold my story. When that didn’t work, I looked for a replacement. In the end, I gave up. The Specters hadn’t just devoured my story; they had devoured story itself. 

      Christianity saved me.

      To Ignarus, it said, “Obviously there is much you don’t know but you can pray to a heavenly Father who knows everything. Plus, you have a Bible to guide you.”

      To Vanitas, it said, “Yes, life on earth is filled with suffering but you are on a path to heaven, with God’s Spirit to comfort you along the way.”

      To Rapax, it said, “People are selfish and despicable but God loves you and sent Jesus to die for your sins. Soon you will be with him and know this love. You can already experience it at church.

      The Christian story had an answer for each Specter. No wonder it I felt so great to believe. No wonder it was so terrifying to lose my faith. 

      The most important thing I learned is that I need not fear the Specters. They open the door to a new way of being. 

      By dissolving my faith, Ignarus opened the door to wonder. I no longer have to defend my faith. I can set out on an adventure.    

      When Vanitas destroyed my hope in the future it freed me to accept my life today and gave me the ability to approach life with a playful spirit.   

      By tearing away the mask of love, Rapax opened the door to compassion and the joy of treating others with kindness.